Understanding and Overcoming Self-Abandonment Through Atonement

Understanding and Overcoming Self-Abandonment Through Atonement

Introduction

Self-abandonment, a critical issue in psychology and personal development, involves neglecting one’s own needs, desires, and well-being to prioritize others or to escape internal conflicts. This article explores self-abandonment through Maya’s story and examines how atonement can be a powerful tool in overcoming it.

What is Self-Abandonment?

Self-abandonment manifests in various forms, from neglecting one’s physical or emotional health to constantly sacrificing personal needs for others, often stemming from deep-seated fears, past traumas, or a lack of self-worth. The consequences can be severe, leading to chronic unhappiness, relationship issues, and a disconnection from one’s true self.

Maya’s Story: A Case Study in Self-Abandonment

Maya, raised in a nontraditional home in the 1980s, was taught to be self-sufficient and not to rely on anyone. However, her culture also preached that love is unconditional, demanding the sacrifice of personal needs for others, which led to her self-abandonment in relationships.

First Love - High School Sweetheart:

Maya’s first experience with love involved intense affection and ‘love bombing’, leading her to prioritize her partner’s needs over her own.

Second Love - The Husband:

In her marriage, Maya found herself again losing her identity and sidelining her needs for the sake of the relationship. As soon as she was divorced, most of her childhood family and friends said it was so strange while she was married because it's like she disappeared.

Third Love - The Grad School Friend:

A similar pattern emerged with a grad school friend, culminating in an emotionally draining and unbalanced relationship. she eventually excepted that she needed to look within to understand why she was attracting and committing to relationships that didn't fulfill her- in fact, they destroyed her.

Maya’s journey reflects the irony of self-abandonment, where outwardly loving actions stem from a place of neglecting one’s own well-being.

Insights from Leading Psychologists on Self-Abandonment

John Bradshaw’s Perspective: In “Healing the Shame that Binds You,” Bradshaw discusses the role of shame in self-abandonment. He suggests that confronting internal shame is vital in reversing the patterns of self-neglect.

Gabor Maté’s Contribution: Maté, in “When the Body Says No,” emphasizes the impact of self-neglect on physical and mental health, advocating for the acknowledgment of personal needs and emotions.

Melody Beattie’s Understanding: Her seminal work “Codependent No More” sheds light on codependency - a form of relational self-abandonment, highlighting the importance of self-care and autonomy.

Alice Miller’s Analysis: Miller’s exploration, especially in “The Drama of the Gifted Child,” connects childhood traumas to adult self-abandonment, underlining the need for acknowledging and healing past wounds.

Brené Brown’s Research: Brown’s work on vulnerability reveals how fear of being vulnerable leads to self-neglect. She advocates for embracing vulnerability as a strength.

Atonement: The Bridge to Self-Reconciliation

Atonement, in this context, is the process of acknowledging one’s own role in self-neglect and taking steps to rectify it. It involves several key steps:

1. Acknowledgement and Responsibility: Admitting to oneself the patterns of self-neglect and understanding their origins is essential, as highlighted by Alice Miller.

2. Seeking Forgiveness from Self: Inspired by Bradshaw’s insights, seeking self-forgiveness for the times of self-neglect can be liberating and healing.

3. Making Amends through Action: Gabor Maté’s emphasis on self-care translates into taking actionable steps towards prioritizing one’s own needs and health.

4. Embracing Vulnerability: Following Brené Brown’s advice, embracing vulnerability and engaging in self-care practices without fear of judgment or weakness is crucial.

5. Continuous Self-Reflection: Melody Beattie’s work on codependency underlines the importance of ongoing self-awareness and self-growth.

Conclusion

Atonement for self-abandonment is a journey of self-discovery, forgiveness, and healing. Maya’s story illustrates how acknowledging and addressing our self-neglect can lead to a path of true self-care and self-love. This journey enhances not only our relationship with ourselves but also with others, leading to a more fulfilled and balanced life. The act of atoning with oneself is a profound expression of self-love and a foundation for lasting personal growth and happiness.

References:

The psychological perspectives on self-abandonment and the healing process through atonement in this article are based on the following literature:

Bradshaw, J. (1988). Healing the Shame that Binds You. Health Communications, Inc.

Maté, G. (2003). When the Body Says No: Understanding the Stress-Disease Connection. Wiley.

Beattie, M. (1986). Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself. Hazelden.

Miller, A. (1981). The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self. Basic Books.

Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Gotham Books.